Happy Wednesday Scribblers. A few years back I wrote this article about my coming out and how that has affected my writing. Today, after so many years, I thought I would revisit the post and see if there is anything I want to add or change, because as we all know, time has a way of changing our perspective on life. Especially with how my journey has influenced my writing.
People ask and are curious about my coming out. I get this question a lot from my straight co-workers and friends. The query is kind of funny because if you flip the question ‘when did you know you were straight?’ it’s silly. Anyway, I don’t mind sharing my story, so here it is.
As a kid, I always understood I was different, at least on some level.
I grew up in the 80s, so yep, I’m old. Anyway, I never gave much thought to my sexual feelings or identity in middle school. Sure, I was ‘sensitive’, but I had a wonderful group of ‘nerd’ and ‘stoner’ friends, so I never suffered from any personal angst. I never understood what the big deal about girls was. Sure, they were pretty, and some were friends, but I wasn’t interested in kissing them or anything like that. I never was ‘girl crazy’ and found that I enjoyed their company and we had fun together, but I wasn’t interested in anything else. Friendship was fine with me.
Where there any girls that liked me. Maybe. I suppose there were a few girls who liked me, but honestly, I had no clue.
I wasn’t supper popular in school, but I wasn’t an outcast either. If I had to describe my school experience; you know, in the movies, you see all the kids in the background that are there and appear to be having a good time and aren’t the center of attention. That would have been me. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time in school, so it wasn’t bad and I have some great friends who I’m still in contact with today (thank you, social media).
Anyway, I didn’t really deal with my sexual identity until my later teens and early twenties. I had a few girlfriends and even was engaged to be married, but something didn’t seem right. Again, I didn’t really know, clueless as I was, what the ‘it’ was. I found guys so much more attractive than girls, but I still thought I was ‘normal’.
Once, my engagement fell apart (her doing and not mine) that was when everything crashed in around me. I realized I had all these fake walls and barriers up. For the first time, I had to take an honest look in the mirror and accept that I spent my younger years in deep denial. At one point, I even remember my sister Dawn and I talking. She told me she thought I was homophobic, not mean or cruel or anything like that, just not as friendly or as open-minded as she thought I would be. Thinking about it now, I guess I was trying to hide who I was and didn’t want to come across as ‘gay’, which of course is stupid, because I was in fact gay. Live and learn, I guess.
As I got older, I remembered I had major crushes on guys and I denied it… hid it. I had even fooled around with a few friends, but again, these experiences were all pushed behind these walls I created, and this life I wanted to live—I needed to live in. For me, this pressure wasn’t so much from an outside source, but internal ones. No one told me to be one way or the other. Those rules and thoughts all came from me. Anyway, when all the walls crashed down, I fell to pieces. It wasn’t until I thought about killing myself that I figured something needed to change. I couldn’t be like this anymore. I had to pull myself together if I were to have a happy and healthy life.
No one realized I was going through any of this because, by my early twenties, I was amazing at hiding my drama.
I found a therapist and spent about a year going to treatment once a week. She helped me face who I was and where I needed to be. After therapy, I could come out to everyone. Keep in mind this was in the early 90s, so AIDS was still a big thing and society wasn’t nearly as open and welcoming as now. First, my friends. Then my sister. And finally, my parents.
I was lucky, very lucky, because I was my own worst enemy. Everyone in my life supported me and was there for me. And those that weren’t quickly dropped from my life. I was the hurdle. I was the one that created all my problems. I tried to make myself fit into this perfect image I had in my head.
The journey wasn’t always easy. I lost a couple of friends, made friends with some of the wrong people, and I even lost a job because of who I was, but I never blamed them, I knew I was better without them and bigger and better things were waiting for me.
I guess what this journey boils down to, for me, is that I always realized I was gay. I always understood, but I wasn’t willing to face it. Still, I never blamed society or anyone (as I said my family and friends were way more accepting than I was) and I don’t judge it as a failing of the time I grew up in, it was more what I was willing to accept. Maybe, if there were more positive gay male figures when I grew up things would have been different, I honestly don’t know, but like I said for me, it wasn’t so much the outside influences, but my internal thoughts that caused me the most trouble.
Part of what I write is to provide positive LGBTQ characters with a voice because I do agree we need more of them. My goal is to show them without this ‘queer struggle’ I want my characters to face other issues. That doesn’t mean they live in a world filled with sunshine and rainbows. They have a past, as we all do, that affects them and their lives. All my characters carry a little of me in them and their internal journey may differ from mine, but if you look into them deep enough, you will see my journey there as well. Telling honest stories with believable, imperfect queer characters is my goal. The LBGTQ thing is a part of them and not the focus. My opinion is that the more people/society can see us, all of us, and relate to us on a non-sexual identity level, the better.
I share this because people ask about my ‘gay struggle’ and how it affects my writing. My experience is unique to me and this personal journey is different for everyone. As I say, I was lucky.
There you have it, my coming out journey and how it affects my writing. I hope you got something helpful from this. Until next time, have a great week.