Happy Wednesday Scribblers I hope everyone is doing well today and you are all taking good care of yourselves. This week I want to talk about kindness…
Ugh. I hear you all saying.
But, being kind is something in short supply these days and has been in short supply for quite some time. Given everything that has happened the last several years and especially the last several months I’m asking people to be kind to one another. Kindness doesn’t cost anything and is pretty easy.
I’m not asking you to do anything else, you don’t have to embrace your abuser, you don’t have to be passive, you don’t have to hide your hurt, you don’t have to hide your anger. You don’t have to hide your glee. You aren’t being asked to tone done the celebrations. All you need to do is be kind.
Why do I keep saying this? Why do I keep asking you to be kind to one another?
Here’s the thing. I remember as a kid all the awful and horrible things that were said about me and too me. I remember being bullied, I remember crying and wondering why no one liked me. I remember someone threatening to throw me into a fire because no one like me and everyone wanted me dead (yes this really happened).
As I got older, I remember being called more names and having people threaten me to the point where a sheriff had to follow me home for several days to ensure I wasn’t attacked or beaten up…or worse.
As I got older still, I was lucky and I was able to melt into the background of High School I wasn’t picked on too much, which was a relief. After school, once I came out and started going to clubs with my friends, the name calling, the threats, the bullying, etc. started back up. A friend and I were attacked one night and, on another night, we were harassed by the police.
Once I joined the working world (with a real job), I had a boss who was a bully. He would hover over me not saying anything and watch me. The abuse got so bad that I ended up in therapy for a while. It got so bad, that when I went to the big boss, I was told I should quit because they weren’t going to do anything about it. I resigned at that point and went to a lawyer to see what could be done only to find out there was nothing that they could do. The Lawyer would be happy to file suit, but the odds of me winning were less than zero and it would cost me a fortune. They also said that any media attention would ruin my chances of getting hired anywhere.
I was in my mid-twenties.
Why am I sharing any of this, most of which I haven’t thought about in years, because through all this, I tried to remain kind to people. I smiled, I laughed, I lived my life as best I could. I figured the only thing I had any control over was how I reacted. I didn’t come by this realization alone, it took therapy. Anyway, I could have been angry. I could have been cruel. I could have been petty. I could have treated them just as badly as they treated me.
And, yes, there were times I did all of that.
The company that forced me to quit, made the mistake of telling me I could still attend the company Christmas Party. Oh, and did I attend. I called one of my best friends at the time, who happened to be gorgeous and asked if he would help me in a little pay back. He jumped at the idea. We showed up at the party all decked out, and we put on a show. The boss who asked for my resignation was there of course and so was my bully. I ignored them both and turned my back on them and walked off when they came up to greet us. The rest of the night my buddy and I danced, made out, and made sure that this last work event I went to went down in the history books. I was so proud of myself for the way I handled it. I showed them. I gave them a taste of all the BS they had forced on me and they had to take it. Every bit of it.
I felt vindicated.
Then a couple days later I heard, that no one cared. That I looked petty. I looked childish. All I had done was reinforce their opinions about me. Not only had I burned that bridge, but I blew it up, salted the Earth and nuked the surroundings.
Was it a personal victory? Sure.
Am I proud of what I did and how I acted? Not really.
Despite this being what I would call a victory it meant nothing to them. They could point to me and how I acted and say, “That’s what we dealt with daily. That’s why he’s not here anymore.”
None of true. But it didn’t matter. I had made such a show of it, that people believed them.
I didn’t make a point. I didn’t make a statement. I played the fool and looked the part.
I wonder what would have happened if I showed up and was kind. Thankful for all the wonderful people I met there. If I held up my head and treated them the way I always wanted them to treat me. What if I shook their hands, smiled and thanked them? Could I have done it? I would like to think so, but I can’t say for sure, because I was so hurt and angry.
The reality is I’ll never know.
I believe 100% that what I should have done, is been kind at the very least. I could have smiled. Talked to my friends and been polite to my former boss and not turned my back on them and walk way. Then they would have had nothing negative to say about me, and they would have looked like idiots when people asked why I wasn’t there anymore.
Ah well. A lessoned learned I suppose.
What I want you think about is this, what does it cost you to be kind? How does it make you look? Why should you take the high road? What will people in your wake of nastiness say about you? Because trust me there will be a wake, people won’t forget. They may understand and agree but in the back of their minds they will always questions when you are going to blow up or act up again and are they going to be on the receiving end.
That is the cost that hinds behind cruelty and hate.
For me I’m not kind for any of them. I do it for me. I do it so I can hold my head high and know that despite all the awful, horrible things that are done and said to me. I didn’t let them win. I showed them that they can’t pull me down. That at the end of the day I was the better person. I did what was right. Even though it hurt and was hard as hell, I passed the test of being a decent human being.
You don’t have to embrace your enemy to be kind. You just have to show them that they have no power over you. You aren’t giving them space in your mind or in your emotions. Despite all the crap they put you through, here you are; strong, powerful, in charge, and living your best life. They didn’t win. You won.
You won!
You won, because they mean so little to you that nothing they did affected you. Even if you go home and need to cry, or whatever you have to do to heal. When it comes down to it, when you are petty, nasty, and mean. You are validating the worst that they pointed out in you, and not only did you show them, but you showed the rest of world too.
Be kind. It costs you nothing.
Being kind isn’t giving up. It’s not condoning their behavior. Being kind is you keeping your power and your strength. Kindness shows the world that you can go out and fight for all that is good in the world. You can fight for the change you want to see and at the end of the day, you can still be a kind and good person. Your victory won’t be built on cruelty or nastiness, but on a smile and a kind word.
Some of you won’t agree with me. Some of you are still hurt and angry by so many things. I know nothing anyone will say will change that and I’m sorry.
I’ll tell you all this truth about me. There is a lot I’m still hurt and angry about. I still think people don’t like me. I still live in the world where someone is trying to push me into a fire because no one could ever like or care about me. Sometimes, I still hear my former boss standing over my shoulder breathing, watching me work, just to torture me. When I see a sheriff’s vehicle my mind flashes to when I had to have an escort home from school so nothing would happen to me. When I see a police car I often think is this person going to pull me over and harass me. When Eric and I are out on the streets or somewhere public I look over my shoulder to see where he is and to see if anyone is watching us or going to say or do something to us. Those hurts and fears never go away, they are there, at least for me.
But I don’t let them make me bitter and angry.
At the end of the day. I’m still going to be kind, or at least try to be. Because out of everything, that is what I can control.
That’s all I got for you. If you are still reading and want a bit more from me. Check out some of these past posts you might enjoy:
Where has all our Mutual Respect Gone?
This is another piece about how we treat each other and why at the very least we need to have some kind of mutual respect (much easier said than done). Click here.
Where has all our Mutual Respect Gone?
Want to hear my thoughts on “Polite Society” and how I don’t always agree with it. Check out this post here.
All about San Jose, California.
This is a fun post about my home town. Where I grew up and where me and Eric live. Click here to learn more, especially since it’s the location where most of my books are set.
I hope you enjoyed, or at least got through this and understand a bit more about me. Please remember to drop me a heart/like letting me know you stopped by. If you found this information interesting think about sharing it. Got a question feel free to ask in the comments below and I’ll do my best to answer it. Until next time I hope you stay safe and have a great week.
